My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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