If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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