she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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