why didn't you poke me back
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
