Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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