he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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