I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
someone owes me an orgasm
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I want a musical about memes.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
