This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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