I faked an abortion last night.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
