i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
no. you can't hotbox the world.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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