On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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