Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.