Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.