what day is it and did you see me today?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
