I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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