I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
