Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
