my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
