I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
