have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
