I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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