I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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