It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
