Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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