I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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