So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
