are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
