The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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