sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
