i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
