seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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