So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
