dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
