he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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