i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
