Is it normal to miss your booty call?
The maid of honor just puked.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
