i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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