the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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