see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
