i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
