I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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