Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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