where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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