I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
