Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
