Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
