I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Vodka?
Forever.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
