Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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