So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
