If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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