You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I understand Curling. That high.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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