I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize