My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
