mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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