I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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