you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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