He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
