at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
