Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
